Jack and the Green Stalk

‘Twas the week before harvest and all through the hills
They were watching grass grow and piling on bills
As water tanks emptied and the sky threatened to spill
The local farmers left crews to guard the fields
So they could gather and brag about their soon-to-be yields

Jack Stash jingled up
With his chestful of bling
Coming on like some kind of cannabis king
Expecting you to kiss his gold-leaf ring
But just as the crowd would drift away
He’d spark a spliff so stony they’d stick around all day

Now Jack had traded his Cadillac
For a pack of the most exotic breed
A hundred seeds
Absolutely guaranteed
To deliver unbelievable quantities
Of the planet’s most magnificent weed

But Jumpin’ Jack’s next claim
Was the camel-back breaker
Wagerin’ acre for acre
It looked an easy taker
He’d beat the best yields of the weed’s own maker
One hundred beans would turn a metric ton
His land hands down
On a bet which couldn’t be won
Was it too much sun
Or was the fool just having fun?

The pool was cool so one and all
Stripped off their wit and skinny dipped
The farmers filled out betting slips
Not wanting to miss the hill’s biggest gag
This character was on some weird sort of trip
So Jack collected the wagers in a dirty bag

The matter was forgotten, and the next round called
But Jack kept it all for the following fall
For he knew something about these seeds
They were a genetically modified Superweed breed

Jack loudly put out the word
That there would be a reward
For all who referred
Sources for large quantities of high-quality turd
From any kind of mammal or bird
Jack kept track of any lead he heard
No matter how strange or plainly absurd
His nose attuned to the slightest hint of a fart
On many a wild-goose chase he hauled his cart
Cow pies and horse logs were merely the start

Jack dispatched divers and expeditions to procure
The oddest order of every sort of manure
Spent a fortune on Siamese royal monkey chunks
And catching giant whale feces before they sunk
Bull shit and bear shit and bat shit by the can
Guano from caves untouched by man
Delicate hummingbird turds collected by hand

Flaming dragon logs certified pure
Force-fed goose droppings and just to be sure
Wolverine and leopard drops
Zebra paddies and rhino slops
Leisurely sloth turds oozing down
Elephant packages and donkey doo
Jack even arranged to smuggle a few pounds of Panda poo
And for good measure some politician’s promises, too

The fertilizing pile stank for miles and miles
As the valley was haunted by a ghost most vile
And then he flooded it like the banks of the Nile
Stripping the most mellow of their well-worn smiles

But their frowns slowly melted to awe
Preferring their eyes deceive than believe what they saw
Twenty-foot trees defying every natural law
Bursting with colas bigger than ole Jack’s head
It appeared nimble Jack meant what he said

He had brought forth a miracle in the Mendo mud
Never had a plant produced so much fat bud!
Over twenty pounds of trimmed and dried herb
And not only that, but the smell was superb
The giants averaged this unbelievable yield
From each of the hundred stalks in the field

The harvest was judged
By luminaries of the highest grade
All of it was photographed, dated and weighed
For Jack remembered his bets, and planned to get paid
Ninety-nine plants came down like a charm
Chainsaw carving through stems thick as an arm

The tallest stalk Jack saved for last
Towering like the Titanic’s proud main mast
Over Jack’s sorry marks as they watched aghast
He was the better grower, and better bettor, too
As they said goodbye to the land where they grew
Some humble pie shoe fly this was gonna be to chew

But Jack was not sad as he climbed the ladder
He got happier as his neighbors grew sadder
His grin grew wider as they got madder
So thrilled he forgot to get clear of the crash
Stunned like a deer by a photographer’s flash
Jack Stash was mashed
His head was bashed
The betting slips were trashed
Witnesses paid cash

This here’s the story of a grower named Jack
Who forgot to watch his own back
So no one knows why his skull got cracked
They blame the golden stalk he tended so well
They say it killed him when it fell
And shot him straight to the greedy part of hell
Because sometimes giants need to win as well